My Thoughts On True Blood: Epi 5

{My random thoughts as I watch the episode.}

Well this week’s episode opens up with Tommy fighting back against his kidnappers, aka his parents. And can we all get an AMEN. Though I was excited to see Tommy kill his father (or step-father, I forget), I’m conflicted about his mother. Very sad... Okay, bye, bye. I’m over them anyway!

And then we visit Marnie still standing in the circle out in the woods with Tara, Jesus and Lafayette and the best thing those three have done, is leave bat shit crazy witch alone. 

But then we flash over to Arlene and Terry’s home and the two are under the impression that the “evil” that wrote on their wall, is probably a poltergeist. *Sighs* What are we going to do with our two little non practicing Christians? But as Arlene says, “Do you here that Rene? God is coming for you!!!” That’s right evil baby-doll spirit!! God will come for you! I think...

And then we are with Eric and Godric, and OMG!! Godric is not the same Godric that I adore. It’s probably the “bad” part of Eric’s conscience. Like Lilo and Stitch-There is a badness level and right now, Eric’s badness level is very high in this dream because he is dreaming of draining poor Sookie of her blood. Thank God that was a dream... (Btw, how many times can we say dream?) But just as you wake and wish you had a drink of water, Eric wakes from his dream and wishes he had a drink of Sookie. Lord, Eric!! Sex, not murder! But we forgive him because poor boo-boo just had a bad dream and wants to cuddle next to Sookie. We will allow this. 

Then there is Jessica and Hoyt and I can’t quite understand why Jessica is so distant from Hoyt. I understand she is feeling guilty from glamouring Hoyt, but really. She just fed from another man, innocent enough... But as we see, the glamouring trick is pretty neat as we watch Bill use it to convince Portia that she is now deathly afraid of Bill and wants nothing to do with him--In fact she will now have an uncontrollable urge to scream when she sees him and will want to run away. Damn Bill! That was a little over the top, don’t you think? 

Forget about Bill... We are back to Eric and Sookie talking in bed. All I can think of is that Eric is crying tears of blood while confessing his fears, and blood will stain the pillow cases. I would be having a secret tantrum from that because I’m a neat freak and cannot handle dirty pillow cases!!

But just when I think my OCD is kicking in from Eric’s bloody tears, we then move on to Pam demanding Bill kill the witch that placed the curse on her face... 

Over to Jesus and Lafayette who decide that they will need the help of Jesus’s grandfather who lives in Mexico and is a hooha. Or bruha... Whatever you call them!! But importantly, we are privy to a flashback here of little Jesus: he is given a gift by his grandfather which is a bound, tied up goat. The grandfather forces him to stab the goat multiple times killing it and even I’m traumatized by this experience. Me no like blood magic... But apparently Jesus does. Or I should say, understands that something dark happened when he did that and little Jesus felt the power. His grandfather is not like Mr. Miyagi... He is much different. Oh, this trip sounds dangerous!

Over at Merlotte’s, there is a shit load of CSI going on. Tommy wakes up Sam with two turn tables and a microphone. Oh wait, that’s a Beck song. I mean, two dead bodies in the back of his van. Then Sookie retrieves from the large forehead waitress, the name of the necromancer head shop: Moon Goddess and Jason explains to Hoyt that God (there is a lot of mention of God in this episode) must have punished Jason by having him gang banged by retarded panthers (PSA: retarded is politically correct to use in the context of dumb, fucking hick shapeshifters.)

And just when it can’t get anymore awesome, Tara’s mom and her NOW, reverend husband is the couple chosen to rid Arlene and Terry’s “ghost” from their digs. I would have been more impressed if Whoopie Gholdberg would have showed up, but hey... I’m along for the ride. 

But then we find Sookie at Marnie’s store and she’s all secret spy and shit asking for a reading. But, Marnie must be the real deal because Granny is funneling through her and in a nut shell, tells her two things 1) Don’t give Eric her heart and 2) Get the fuck out... Or something like that. Sookie then runs because if Granny tells her to get the fuck out, she gets the fuck out!! I would have to pretend that Granny didn’t say shit about not giving Eric my heart... "I’m sorry, what’s that Granny? We must have bad reception in here. I only have one bar! I’m losing you Granny... What’s that?”

Back to Sam and Tommy and there’s chubby, finger-licking Andy wanting to pull them over. I have to say, I was a wee bit stressed out here. But, brilliantly, Tommy changes in to a gator just as Andy was about to open the back doors to their Scooby Doo van. Good thinking my little hobbit!! I mean, Tommy!! 

Then Katie (that was banging Bill) shows up at Marnie’s place and AHA!! It’s a sting operation-Get bat shit, crazy witch project! Marnie is arrested by the Vampire popo. 

Then we see Tara and Sookie having a heartfelt talk at Sookie’s home and she confesses about her lesbian UFC girlfriend and the fact that she has been using alias' to escape her past. I swear the theme song from True Grit is playing in the background. But eventually Tara finds out that Sookie is hiding Eric in her home and freaks out, saying “fuck the both of you.” How about “you both fuck”. There. That’s better!

Shit, True Blood is ADD. Back to Marnie in Vampire jail and we are privy to a second flashback which reveals a group of women chanting/praying in a cell. It is the same woman that appeared to Marnie in her previous flashback. But priests walk into the cell and select a woman, for what you think will be a trial; unfortunately, it is for a draining because the priests are in fact, vampires. Thus we see why witches would hate Catholics... Wait. That didn’t make sense. Thus we see why witches would hate Vampires. That’s more like it. Well, Bill tries to use his glamour on Marnie in an effort to learn more, and it’s apparent that Marnie is merely a willing transmitter. She knows nothing. And as Pam says, “Fuck!” 

Jesus and Lafayette make it papa’s house and eerily, he’s been expecting them. Hold that thought!

Next, Alcide is visited by the Shrevport pack leader who looks like an elf in Lord of the Rings. Honestly, he could get together with Tommy and re-enact the crossing through the snow covered mountains. But, instead he offers a warning of some sort that Alcide better be paying his union dues soon and that he expects him to help the union picket a market near by that is using non-wolf butchers. How dare they!! Ok, that’s not what he said but that’s what I picture him saying. Whatever, expect wolfpack nonsense to ensue!

Then Tommy and Sam drop the bodies into a dank, dark swamp littered with alligators and all I can think is how many other bodies have been disposed of in this fashion? But, there is a touching moment between the two brothers as Sam confesses that he too, has killed two people. Nothing like a good heart to heart talk among brothers. And what did we learn? That alligators like marshmallows. 

Quick sex flash as I run for the remote and put it on mute!! (Geez I have little ones that are very nosey!) Arlene and Terry gettin’ busy! Wait, look at their comforter! I swear that set is on sale at Macy’s. It’s the hotel collection! I digress.

Good lord! More sex flash! *Puts it back on mute* Now Jason and Jessica are having sex. But, the good kind. It’s just a dream. No guilt, and clearly Jason is stoked on the idea of guilt free sex. Looks like he forgot his talk with Hoyt earlier that day. But, ewwww!!! Hoyt is in the dream! Strangely, I am hypnotized by Jason’s pornstache....

Ok, it’s over and we are now with Eric and Sookie. They once again, are having a deep conversation and I just adore my amnesia Eric. Beautifully, he states that there is a light within Sookie and he could not bare it if he snuffed it out. Then he decides to leave, and in a move that gave me chills, Sookie runs after him, begging him to stay and OMG!!!!!! They kiss!!!!!!! I got my kiss!!!! Why I’m excited because Eric is not kissing me, is beyond me. But I have waited a long time for this moment. Who cares about the rest of the show!

Oh, alright. Damn! Now we’re back at Bill’s compound and he is telling a few vampires the tale of a witch who at one time, used necromancy to force Vampires into the light, therefore killing themselves. I smell war. Or is that Pam’s rotting flesh? Speaking of Pam... The poor thing accidentally reveals that Eric is at Sookie’s house and I can’t help but smile. I want that bastard politician to see Sookie and Eric making out!! 

Roll credits.... It is going to be such an unreal Season. Thoughts? Come on! Sookie and Eric kissed!!