My Thoughts On Epi 1 of True Blood!

True Blood Season 4 Episode 1: She’s Not There

{These are my thoughts as I watch the episode. They are random, and in no way, educational. You have been warned.}

The long awaited season opens with Sookie and her god-fairy Claudine, strolling the grounds of Fae land. Oh, Alan Ball. How magical your mind is, could you have spared a little more cash in the way of set props and costumes? *Sighs* I digress. While perusing the minuscule courtyard, guess who Sookie bumps into? Barry! Why he’s there, who freaking knows, but Sookie is told to “mingle” while Barry greedily grabs a glowing apple. I’m pretty sure the fruit is laced with X because the next thing you know people are having applegasms. Very strange. But, even more so, Sookie stumbles across her grandfather who clearly has lost track of time... Having applegasms. But Sookie can see otherwise, and the fae are not so beautiful and kind. They are mean, ugly trolls that are “harvesting”, whatever that means, humans. Sookie, with the help of Claudine’s brother, is able to escape with her grandfather by jumping off a cliff. I know! 127 hours later, she cuts her arm off. No, really. She does. Actually, she ends up back at her home or creepy cemetery near her home and grandaddy dies. *Flash a clip of Bill and Eric wakening* This entire montage is a waste of 8 minutes, but don’t stress. There are two major things we learn from this adventure. 1) Sookie has actually been gone a year and 2) Fairies hate Vampires and will no doubt fight for their existence. Plus, they probably make a mean Apple martini with those glowing apples. YUM!!

Now being gone for a year, more things have changed in Bon Temps than during my entire puberty. Jason sold Sookie’s house to a mysterious buyer while sporting a pornostache, and Andy has become a V addict. Angrily, Andy wants answers from Sookie explaining where she has been all this time and is throwing a tantrum worse than my five year old nephew. But Bill shows up to offer an alibi, and all I can think of is that he’s got real hair. People, this is an improvement! Did we forget Bill from Season 1? 

But then we flash to Jesus and Lafayette who head over to some store that looks like a Necromancer head shop and in the rear, they meet the coven which includes Holly (can somebody hook her up with Botox, lord she can do magic but she can’t rid that gargantuan forehead of its wrinkles?) It’s here that creepy ass Queen psycho witch is regurgitating and I can’t help but laugh. Secretly, she’s trying to scratch her throat, but apparently she’s channeling the dead. It’s all strange, and funny, and weird. 

*Flash to Arlene’s baby who rips barbie doll heads off* Hey, who leaves a baby all by them self while they take a shit? That would be Terry, who yes, left his infant in a bedroom with about ten barbie dolls while he baked a cake. In the mean time, we’re supposed to believe this baby has ripped all the heads off the dolls, to which Arlene comes home and finds. Instead of being mad about the dolls, she should be mad at Terry for dropping a deuce, while leaving his unattended child alone. But I just can’t seem to get mad at Terry, so I’ll let this one slide.

And then....

Tara’s a lesbian UFC fighter. Innnnneresting..... This doesn’t really phase me because truth be told, Tara got on my nerves all last Season and even though I wanted her to marry bat-shit crazy Franklin (come on, that would have been awesome!) It is nice to see a more confident, calmer, Tara. I’m curious to see how her UFC training will work into this season but I really have to pretend to care, because she could get written off and I wouldn’t even notice. 

And then we see Jessica doesn’t want to cook for Hoyt. Well, Hoyt. Is the sex good? Pick and choose, bitch. That’s what I say. You can’t have it all, now can you? 

Back to Jason and Snookie having a brother and sister moment on Sookie’s couch watching TV. Jason has a goatee... Did he just get hotter? 

And speaking of TV, I have to admit, Pam’s PSA is the best, EVER! Eric is good, but Pam should just say, “I’ll cut a bitch, come down to Fangtasia.” Also, what is up with Bill? How did he get put in charge? Oh, this is actually a good thing. I can see shit is going to go down between Eric and Bill, and the contrast between the two is soooo EVIL. Yes, Bill. Bill is Evil. Eric is Hot. 

But again, we flash back to Tara the lesbian UFC fighter and we get a little chocolate, banana swirl. Did that drunk guy just say that? Suddenly, I have a craving for a milk shake from Jack n’ the Box. Jesus, I want a shake bad...

Next, we see Sam harass Sookie about how a lot has changed in one year. Yes, we get it. Even though, nothing has changed in my life, shit apparently changes like a bad acid trip in Bon Temp. One year, I’m learning...

But then if things couldn’t get any stranger, Hoyt’s mom strolls into the bar with hobbling Tommy in tow. What. The. Hell. It’s a good idea, because it’s completely laughable and all Tommy wants is to be loved... and probably get some action from Hoyt’s mom, right? *wink, wink* You know it’s there if he wants, I’m just saying.

Next, Sookie is sitting down with Portia Bellefleur going over the details to the sale and hoping Portia can track down the buyer of her home and cancel the agreement. All I can think is, there is no way in God’s creation, THAT woman is Andy’s sister. But at this point, I’m along for the ride. My smile is ear to ear. 

But then it disappears at the sight of Jessica dancing in Fangtasia. For the love of god, let’s keep Jessica from eye-fucking fangbangers, as Pam puts it. I don’t like it. At all. The dancing, the eye-fucking, none of it. It’s gross and Jessica needs a better story other than her wandering eye. 

Now, Sam on the other hand. Sam is rolling deep with a pack of shapeshifters that like to get drunk, talk out their issues and run like horses. Wild, wild horses... Literally. 

Hang on kids, we’re getting near the end. Catching back up with Jason, we see that he’s now the caregiver for that “Deliverance” fucking town, Hot Shot. Btw, creepy children that eat ice-cream and raw meat cannot be trusted. Doesn’t everyone know that? And anytime anyone ask you to “fix their ice box”, they secretly want to push you in and lock it. Survival 101! If it were me, fuck Hot Shot. But Jason’s a good man, and his life is about to change. So for those who have never read the book, I’ll keep it spoiler free. There’s good times ahead for our Jason, you’ll just have to wait and see. 

And then we’re back to Queen psycho and her lame ass dead parrot, Minerva. It’s apparent the coven is channeling strong powers, and for some reason Lafayette is the key. Once he joins hands with the others, the magic begins and the dead parrot that was laying lifeless in the middle of their circle, is reanimated. Then it flies a few feet and dies. But, the real gossip is, the one witch reporting back to Pimp-daddy Bill. I’m curious to see what Bill has planned for his witches and how involved all of them are. Or is it just the one spy? Could there be a curse in the works for Eric? *crossing fingers* Let’s hope so! Bring on amnesia Eric!! 

Speaking of Eric, our fully packed premier episode ends with.... Eric standing in Sookie’s bedroom while she’s in the process of changing. And happens to be naked. “Hmmm, such a strange sensation when the reality matches what you picture in your mind so precisely.” Eric, you had me at “hmmmm”. That grunt, is the death of me. Eric ends the cock-blocking scene telling Sookie, she is his and then shows his erection... Of teeth!! 

So what about you? What was the strangest thing from episode 1? There were a lot of changes, but I’ll start. Bill being “like a boss” and in charge. Does he not play sinister, well? Me, likey a lot.