Why I Can't Date a Shape Shifter

One night I was watching True Blood (what the fuck is new) and there was a scene between two shape shifters getting it on (Hint, Sam and Daphne). This inspired a conversation between me and my hubby.

Me to hubby: "You know. Shape Shifters and Werewolves run a high temperatue. Like 101 or slightly higher."

Hubby: "And den.... " As he likes to quote from that horrible of a reject movie that Ashton Kutcher did.

Me to Hubby: "It's really hot in my home. Like Bikram Yoga hot. It would drive me insane to marry a shape shifter and have him all hot in my bed. I already sweat enough and some how end up tearing off my socks (I have a thing for socks) and shorts in the middle of the night."

Hubby: "So what you're saying is that Edward would be better becaus he is ... dant dant dant (cue dramatic music) dead and ice cold."

Me to Hubby: "Holy shit, you're like Edward. You can read my mind and yup. I was thinking that a nice cold Vampire in my bed would be HEAVENLY. Of course, if I move somewhere cold, then I might consider a shape shifter."

Hubby: "You're just a fucking perv and want a Vampsicle. *rolls eyes as he speaks* (Oh, lord forgive me for teaching my husband that word and BTW, thanks to the gals at Twitarded for teaching moi that word.)

How did he know? Uh, huh. A Vampsicle as opposed to a hot ass dog in my bed is perfect for where I live.
If I wanted a dog or fucking wolf, I'd just tell my two chubs Lily and Rufus to hop in bed. Eww. No.

Upon closer examination daydreaming while working out of this topic I have a few really solid reasons why I can't date let alone marry anyone from the wolfpack. (Any reference to a dog is the same as a wolf because they are both smelly, stinky, hairy and of the same genetic family. Shit, you know what I'm talking about)

1) I hate dog hair that means wolves too. I sweep almost daily and having a husband that tracked even more hair in would just piss me off to no end.

This is from one day of fat dog inside my house.

2) Dog farts are horrendous and I have a strong nose. Have so ever since I had children. One fucking dog fart in bed and I swear to god, I might shank him and that's not cool.

Cat poop may be lethal but Dog farts are like agent orange. Slow burn to the nose and brain.

3) Dog breath might be just as bad as a dog fart. I'm quite sure that Jacob while in wolf transformation has certainly licked his balls or ass and I'm not down with kissing a husband that does that on a daily basis. I am a germophobic and this would be a major issue.

For the love of all things made of cheese, don't do it!

4) An animal in my bead=dirty stinky sheets and I'm already very possesive with my pillow.

You better wash those sheets every day. Dogsheet smell is horrendouse BTW. Only my cat is allowed on the bed and that's because if I don't let her, she'll scratch my eye in the middle of the night because she's hood.

5) Dog dick (as later pointed out by my husband WTF?) I was not aware that most likely a shape shifter or werewolf would not be circumcised. Ok, yuck. I've asked for further explanation from my hubby but I just get grossed out then feel sad for anyone that may still have a beanie on. No dirty dog dick!

hubby confirmed beanie cap was a safe depiction of a uncircumcised weewee. 

6) Doggy style sex is only good for the man, excuse me thank you very much.

Don't even think about it. I will never google doggy style sex to obtain a photo. 

7) Again the body heat off a dog or wolf (side fact cat's run the highest temp. Geez, I thought you'd like to know) is unbearable in this climate. I sweat miserably in my bed and because of my obsession for socks. (I fucking love socks. I don't care if it's high 80's). Thus no additional heat needed.



So..

Inner monologue: Damn you boys are sooo hot. "Stay focus mama, stay focus" 

So Jacob, Sam. Don't waist your time asking me out. First I'm married. Yeah. I know that's breaking your heart. But also, it would never work out between us. We can still be freinds (Sam, not freinds with benefits, shit). I'll see you in November.